The Hardest Work

16 Nov, 2025

In Good Inside by Dr. Becky Kennedy,¹ the author makes the argument that every bad behavior caused by a child has an underlying cause, and the best way to prevent the behavior is to address that root cause. If you don't, Kennedy argues, you pave the way towards shame, denial, and further bad behavior. She also points out how hard this can be - parents also need to understand their underlying patterns so that they can be clear and honest with their children. It's a two-way street!

So, let's talk about politics.

Mehdi Hasan

Mehdi Hasan loves to tell stories about clout. In his book Win Every Argument, Hasan lists dozens of times when he, with a well-timed quip or judo-like deployment of a gotcha fact, "wins" a debate. He loves to tell stories of this line's impact or that video's watch count as evidence that he is indeed winning every argument. Some of these are persuasive; others, less so. When you go back and actually watch the clips he refers to in his book, they often just look like two people shouting at each other. I agree that the genocide in Palestine should be stopped and I agree that our current federal administration is causing incalculable damage to the country and the world. But, I often come away from watching Hasan debate with a sense of frustration with him and with my entire political side (loosely defined).

It is unclear to me why this is so important to him. Or, to put it another way, what Hasan is hoping to achieve. It is obvious, particularly from his interview with Hasan Minhaj, that impact is important to him and that he sees these debates as offering crucial pushback to the current concerning trends in government and society.

I think I disagree.

Braver Angels

Over the past two years, I have had actual conversations with people in those mindsets - ordinary people, who don't make policy decisions, but see the world and the causes of our nation's current problems completely differently to me. People who reference "transgenderism" as a woke ideology, rather than an experience of gender that is worth protecting. People who think mask mandates were a critical infringement on their liberties, rather than a crucial measure to protect us from a pandemic. People who see January 6th as a necessary response to a fraudulent election rather than a desecration of a critical American process. And, I keep showing up.

I do this with an organization called Braver Angels, which invites people to speak to each other across partisan lines. In my local chapter, Blues heavily outweigh Reds, but the Reds who do show up are very passionate. They madden me. I have to train myself not to roll my eyes or snap at them, especially when I'm facilitating a table conversation. I have heard great Hasan-style one-liners from my fellow Blues that, to my ears, are the perfect rejoinder to some bat-shit conspiracy theory. However, when I look at the face of the Red who said it, I have universally noticed that that line meant nothing to them.

In my view, the only key to solving our current political crisis is understanding. And, because I'm a computer scientist, you know I take absolute statements seriously. I appreciate that I enjoy a lot of luxury here, as I am a cis White dude who has never once experienced meaningful discrimination in my life, and if you are not that, you may be feeling strongly about what I've just said. But, I still believe it. What I see in the Reds of my acquaintance is a deep sense that "the world is wrong," and I actually agree with them on that basic level! There's a lot that is wrong and a lot that needs fixing.

What is the point of connection?

In September, I went to a Braver Angels meeting the Wednesday after Charlie Kirk was assassinated and two days before I left town to go to my grandmother's funeral. I sat down to eat pizza in front of a Red of my acquaintance who I will call Barbara. Barbara is, if I was forced to guess, in her late 60's or early 70's, and as we were chatting, I mentioned I'd be traveling. She asked me why and when I told her, I was immediately met with compassion and well wishes. Barbara and I talked about my grandmother for a bit before moving on to other things, like the practicalities of serving as table facilitators later on that evening.

Later that evening, I learned that Barbara was an anti-masker (and, I suspect, not vaccinated against COVID-19) in a conversation about the difference between protests and riots. Both of these things - the compassionate listener and the anti-government protester - exist in the same person.

It is easy to look at the bad behavior - and yes, there is lots of it - at people who disagree with you. It is easy for both sides to point to particular folks they don't like on the other side to justify their own misdeeds. Are you calling me an anti-government conspiracy theorist who is endangering lives by not taking a vaccine? Well, at least I do my own research and my representatives are not owned by corporations like the Democrats! Oh yeah, what about Trump's billionaire tax cuts? Sure, my representatives have no spine but at least they passed the Affordable Care Act! And so on.

I believe, though, based on my Buddhist practice and Christian upbringing that, as Dr. Becky says, people are good inside. And, if I had lived what they had lived, I'd be no different than they are. Read the biographies of our worst modern villains - Elon Musk and Donald Trump. I can't imagine a worse place to be than inside one of their heads. Like a firm parent, though, this does not mean I think they should be allowed to be in power or exert their traumas on the world. But, seeking understanding and connection with real Reds in my day-to-day life helps me stay grounded in the face of the current insanity.

Understanding has helped me come to grips with our current reality and it helps me make a change in the world by showing up where it matters. Debate does not.